In Ramdan; the month of fasting and worship I decided to take IELTS, Academic module. I had aimed at achieving 8/7.5, but my exhaustion, tiredness due to long hours,lack of concentration and time management I could not finish task 1 in writing within time. I could only write 70 words, so I got penalised as I had to write minimally 150 words. 7 was a dream five years ago and impossible to get for someone like me. My family is virtually illiterate believing that women are destined to marry and procreate, otherwise our lives would be uneventful whatever we succeed at. However, I feel I am a big failure! Thinking of how many years I spent in learning and preparing. The exertion I did and the seclusion I preferred in order to concentrate on and absorb another language.
Yes. I have become more positive stopped thinking of my past life and its regrets. Yes. I have become more magnanimous towards who/what is different believing that it is the creator’s will to create us in such a way and it is amusing to live among others as long as no one transgresses. Yes. I have become down to earth and stopped bragging about anything as they are ephemera and I only contribute to their existence without possessing them. I am indebted to everyone who has taught me intentionally or unintentionally, kindly or insolently, willingly or not. I would never be who I am without you. Yes. I would resemble my people in my periphery and their simplicity, but simplicity does not suit every phase we embark on especially that one of ambition and adventure. One step to retake IELTS, two months for GMAT, and time to let the story take wings and fly away. I deep down believe that I would be a student at a leading university soon and inspire others to get rid of shackles, mirage, and obsolete traditions.
He who knows three things is saved from three things:
Who knows that the Creator made no mistakes at creation is saved from petty fault finding.
Who knows that He made no favoritism in allotting fortune is saved from jealousy.
Who knows of what he is created is saved from pride.
And say, my lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up when I was small
My father has passed away. He had leukemia and his condition was critical in the last month. I feel ambivalent about the end of his suffering from cancer and his disappearance. I would never forget the last month and his pain as he had lost much weight and become paralysed. Our relationship had been lukewarm, but during the last two months, I was doing my best to buoy him and lighten his worries. Filial instinct pops up in such situations eradicating all the differences in personalities and our interests.
Father; you will be missed and I have nothing towards you but love, peace, relief, contentment, compassion, and longing. I am indebted to you and will always be for the rest of my life. Without your presence in my life, providing me with money and safe house, I would never be able to evolve and be the one who I am today. I wish you overstayed to witness our happen days and success, but monotheists believe in the afterlife, so your body perished but your soul is amongst us. I love you Baba I love you so much habibi.
On my birthday, I feel I am where I should be at my convenience and pace. I thought I was lagging behind, but the truth is that I was fully equipping myself to move swiftly outracing all my counterparts.
I am grateful for everything and indebted to my environment with its flaws and critiques. Thankful as I exist in such an easy era to master and learn approximately everything without virtually serious obstacles. To cite an example, you can be a daughter of an illiterate mother with dogmatic roots and be passionate about your own life and choices.
Fortunately, background has little to do nowadays as we can evolve and prosper without much exertion. We only need temporary seclusion, stamina, and stop being easily susceptible. Life is endearing, short, and just.
I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretence, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.
By the end of the year I have learnt to keep the door ajar. With calamities there is relief soothing us from time to time.
Failures are catalysts, boorish and coarse people come across to show us how pathetic they are.
Do not pay any attention to rumors as they are said out of envy, so be grateful for having something enviable and then move ahead (HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH ALWAYS).
Equip yourself well by studying, learning, seeking, and isolating yourself for a while.
Be thankful for being born in such era where the internet is easily accessible, a hefty amount of information is available by a click, for having such devices in our hands and within a couple of seconds it can abruptly convey our message and be a trend overnight!
Order is not woven into the tapestry of life. We are equals; we are humans.
New beginnings with mature people and positive periphery.
Since August, I have been struggling not to lose my dignity before my colleagues. I keep resilient without any complaints about the current situation. I got involved in a situation with a woman who is feeble-minded, boorish, and envious. However, she got support as my manager’s wife is her sister!! I have not known how detrimental such relations at work until I faced this nonsense. I have been moved to another branch because I have chosen action rather than inaction. Because I preferred dignity and my self-respect to kowtowing her and that micro manager! I promise you both that in the near future you will hear a lot about my success, but you would never glimpse me as such people leave the scummy bottom with no regrets!
I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.
Gibran Khalil Gibran~
Everything looks disappointing and overwhelming, but I incline to optimism and diligence as hard work pays off undoubtedly! Relics, nepotism, intermediaries, critiques, scrutiny, corruption, intrusion, perversion, gossips, plots, etc are transient and would never last or Hurt us!
Remember me in your prayers and du’a as I feel paralyzed. I need resourcefulness to move ahead with peace.
You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current resultsAtomic Habits~
And among his wonders is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the diversity of your tongues and colours: for in this, behold, there are messages indeed for all who are possessed of [innate] knowledge. Qur’an~
The more you expose yourself and savour what you are not accustomed to, the more magnanimous you become especially when you witness others’ mistakes. One religion, one denomination, one hue, one tribe, one standard, one place, etc are allusions to superficiality and ignorance that’s why we are obliged to learn and search. The Arabian societies are full of bigoted parochial people because they are accustomed to dealing with what/who is homogeneous otherwise you would be under scrutiny and threats. I am always longing for the melting pot and shall live in such environs someday.
We are different cosmically and are woven in the tapestry of life voluntarily.
Sure, scars can be painful to look at, reminding you where you have been, but they also remind you of how far you have come.A Quote~
Often people that say they “don’t care” actually do. The moment they discuss you with their friends and family, compete with you, bad mouth you to others or react to anything you do or say is when they give themselves away. You can either be saddened or flattered that you effected someone so much. The perspective is yours to determine.
― Shannon L. Alder
It has been a week since I got involved in an abhorrent situation with my female colleague. Insecure women can not stand mingling with outstanding people, especially women because they realize how miniature they are! She is the sister of my manager’s wife (YES. YOU READ IT CORRECTLY!!!). She was working in another department totally different from our work, but due to the restructure; a lot of departments have been centralized and many employee had to leave their jobs moving to branches and another departments.
She is truly an Arab inclining to nepotism and mobs’ acts. She always comes to work late and no one would blurt out a word. She usually says good morning then screams at my colleagues’ faces because of nonsense, for example, one of them touched her office or did anything relating our job without taking her permission. She has no experience in our field, but her ties allowed her to have the upper hand on important business. Sometimes, I feel she still lives in the era of servitude! Imagine that she kept screaming at my face before others only because I was talking with my new colleague helping her with some papers!!!! She offended me saying nonsense and I have not complaint, then she officially complained me to the manager (HER RELATIVE) purporting that I lack respect and decorum when I talk to her!! Mohamed FIRE HER!!! I hate those people who ride waves. She knows well how conspicuous I am. I have the potentiality to get promoted within a couple of months. I cried like a homeless child. I felt crippled and pathetic and why??? from whom?? someone with no value!!!
Five years ago, I would involuntarily accept such a situation suspecting my demeanor. Now, I am a different person, secure, successful being chosen amongst hundreds and it is only because of my diligence as I have no relatives there to support me. I am a humanitarian believing in everyone’s right to live, work, opine, etc without transgressing others’ rights or trampling on their feelings! Would the Middle East change? Would our ambience get ameliorated? Recently, videos of violence and domestic abuse have become quotidian.
A syrian girl got lynched because she tainted her family’s reputation in the name of love. When retardation would stop speaking loud? When nepotism would fade away paving the road to qualified youths only? When will I be able to serve freely? When will I get the opportunity to flee getting a prestigious degree then come back to get rid of such nonsense! Deep down I know that I will win. That hopeless girl was able to learn English on her own. That pathetic girl was capable of bearing a lot of afflictions peacefully. That girl has been selected amongst hundreds to attend an interview deciding whether to be the decision maker where I work or not. I am still waiting for the result but still unable to fathom their hatred. Do you know that I have been working on my skills for a decade? A girl from the countryside belonging to illiterate family thinking of education as a luxurious thing, so what about planning to traveling overseas to pursue my education singlehandedly! Does success coincide only with sadness and obstacles? Now I know the behind celebrating them after having many gashes but they are still alive and survive. Life goes by but Allah would never forget your cruelty! To Allah we belong and to him we shall return.
“A life without love is of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, eastern or western…divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire! The universe turns differently when fire loves water.”
― Shams Of Tabriz