FEAR

It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.

She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.

And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.

But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.

Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.

The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean

Gibran Khalil Gibran

Tomorrow Is Mine!

Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

48 laws of power

I am studying and planning to take IELTS test finally! In mock tests I get scores between 7.5-8/9 which is utterly startling and outstanding for someone who has learnt English from scratch and on my own as I was insolvent and unemployed. My life has become eventful full of enthusiasm and determination. My lord, I have the toolkit to climb up the ladder. Thankfully, I received your lessons early as they have been the psychological base not to prance around showing off your rewards and blessings. I am in the midway through this journey not insolvent and still unable to serve others. I am successful but not one of the big cheese to be influential. My lord I know you will grant me all what I am longing for. My lord I know that life never tarries with yesterday, so I have stopped thinking of my past as it was a guru. Wish me luck as I get support from you guys! 🌻

That Pandemic Shows Really Who We Are!

The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.

Big magic

Currently, we are fasting in Ramadan and it is a great opportunity to walk in others’ shoes to pardon them or maybe to be able to mingle with them with no changes. Three months ago, we got the news of my uncle’s death and it was deep down devastating especially for my mother! his death has been problematic for me. There were no tears, I could not even vent out any emotions. It was another something bad happened through that apocalyptic time full of obituaries and calamities. He was found dead in the bathroom lying on the floor for hours! Deeply sad I know!! how he died lonely being left asking for succour or hopefully, he has lost his conscience then died peacefully! He is a married man and a father four grownups living in the same apartment, but he died on his own! For me, it was a riddle, an abhorrent one as we are not meant to be loners here or in the hereafter!

I am successful and ambition, but I go to my bed with my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. There was always that void that prompted me many times to accept what will devastate me in the near future emotionally and professionally! but the death of my uncle killed that apparition brutally! I could have married while the feeling of insecurity and unsafety would be lying next to me as being with the wrong person is suicidal and unbearable. My uncle was very sad before his death telling my mother about his wish to leave as far as possible since life was unbearable in his eyes. My uncle was the only one who had a tertiary education amongst eleven illiterate siblings including my mother. He got everything better than his siblings, but was never happy! I think he had that feeling of hatred and bile because his relationship with his wife and children. They incline to compare between their lives and others’, however we, human beings, prefer to hide our struggles and afflictions and share only luxurious and exquisite stuffs to convey the wrong message maybe or to revamp our self-image before some people. I do not want to die alone. I do not want to leave with bitterness. I do not want to marry to only reproduce and have that unwanted minder. I want that friend that I can bare my emotions before him speaking up with no fear of judgements. I want a fellow who is understanding that I have many flaws with no intentions to tackle them as they make up me (the real self).

My relationship with my father is not the best. Sometimes, I feel pathetic towards him when I count how many times do we hug each other? NEVER FATHER NEVER. You missed my warm hug and exchanged it with the lukewarm life and its conflicts to earn more money, buy apartments, work in brokerage, etc! Unfortunately, you do not have much time to redress this as a cancer patient. I give my father all the filial love that I could bear towards him as he never commit something disgraceful, vulgar, or forbidden towards us. He was only under misapprehension about the meaning of such a relationship! Maybe his relationship with his parents was the same and he thought their deeds were normal. I think we, Arabs, suffer from that emotional void and try to crystalize it in the form of harassment, watching pornography, domestic abuse, or maybe having hallucinations! I truly forgive my father to be able to love my children healthily. I know I will be a different mom, strict but still affectionate and liberal. Life is too short, please do not waste it in unravel superfluous issues ” LET BYGONES BE BYGONES”. Do not take your beloved ones’ existence for granted and please do not flog yourself! We can endure a lot of innocuous actions as they are neither intentional nor perennial. I am looking forward to tomorrow for my entourage, the sincere one to flatter me and wish me luck. I am looking forward to compensations, the cosmic ones as life exhausted me enough. I hope I tread the next path with a comrade instead of fear and unfathomable fits of anger!

GOODNIGHT AND STAY SAFE AWAY FROM COVID19! GOD BLESS.

Contemplate Well And Clearly!

Life is diverse. Living is to live with difference. Anyone telling you that difference should be stamped out is stamping out life. Those people insisting that there are black and white answers to the difficult questions are stamping out the diversity that is inherent in life.

I usually introduce myself as a monotheist and another fellow seeking knowledge and illumination until I pass away! Qur’an and its commentary always guide me not to go astray. I have learnt that chauvinism, bigotry, lineages are not mine as a Muslim but they are my ancestors’ notions and heritage! The first cosmic covenant between Allah my our forefather Adam was about worshipping, supplications, and befriending all as Allah’s vicegerent on earth, but we, offsprings, haven’t distilled its essence well as we couldn’t differentiate between what was tribal and what was truly Islamic. Religions are impeccable but religiosity isn’t as sometimes our minds mistakingly redress issues and sometimes in a lethal way! I can not forget having a stark conversation with a friend from different religion, milieu, and background telling me that what I am trying to go away from and circumvent all the time is what she is looking for! She doesn’t know her roots, her family’s history, specific religion to appease her, maybe a tribe like mine! Actually, I know that I will die and be buried on my own with no one else. I will be held accountable for my deeds, so I will not lift up a finger thinking of others’ viewpoints nor opinions!

A Quiz!

Today is the second anniversary of my blog! Time flies! There is a huge difference between today and how I was in 2018, but I am sure that I will go up many rungs maybe until I reach the peak. I have some questions as an Arab woman from the upper of Egypt, with illiterate milieu, tribal roots, a thirty-year-old woman “SPINSTER”, self-made, simple, strong-headed, studious, ambitious, willing to knock down all the obstacles, still down to earth, still ethereal, and spiritual too as a monotheist first and a muslim who is enjoined to befriend all and respect everyone’s choice, the question is why are you following this blog? Do you enjoy what you read here? Will this blog blossom? Have your standpoints changed about Arabs even the bare minimum? Do you think I am equal to any educated woman on earth? Will objectification be stopped? Will I get where I want to be? Will I get a scholarship to pursue my study abroad? May I be a CEO someday?! Will I get married to someone who is willing voluntarily to serve love, support, equality, and respect at the table of that sacred tie? Will you accept me? Will I coexist peacefully with my flaws and afflictions? A lot of questions and they always lead to the same labyrinth!

Hola friends and I am waiting for your answers!

Welcome Your Guests!

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Unorthodox, The Scandalous Rejection

As far as I can remember, I have always wanted everything from life, everything it can possibly give me. This desire separates me from people who are willing to settle for less. I cannot even comprehend how people’s desires can be small, ambitions narrow and limited, when the possibilities are endless

Deborah Feldman~

Simply Live Your Life!

At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.

That woman exists everywhere in my life. You have noticed her picture on my notebook, on my laptop, she exists also on my cellphone background,etc! She inspires me to move forwards and never look behind my back.

Life transfixed her and thrusted me too. She was the odd one out as I am now! Her legs were crooked and I have my defects too.

She could paint and survive, while I am still struggling to get rid of those superficial veneers.

She let her story take wings, I solicit succour as my stamina can’t take it anymore!

Frida turned her misery into unbelievable paintings, I may build up my walled garden too but I have to pay upfront.

Ironically, I did and I will keep doing so as long as I feel my humanity without any objectification.

How rootless I feel, the more I read and learn from life and books.

I am still a toddler, but the difference between now and before is choosing being thrusted voluntarily not forcibly.

We are portable memories accumulated over the years and some unforgettable experiences.

Thanks coronavirus as it proves how inert we are. It has become a homewrecker suspending and cancelling everything around, but its implications would never be expunged as we better value disguised blessings now. Do not take anything for granted!

Thanks 2020 as it showered my life with bounty and prosperity alhamdulillah. Life is too short!
Viva Frida🌻

Your Sickness Is From You

Your sickness is from you, but you do not perceive it and your remedy is within you, but you do not sense it.You presume you are a small entity but within you is enfolded the entire Universe.You are indeed the evident book, by whose alphabet’s the hidden becomes manifest. Therefore you have no need to look beyond yourself. What you seek is within you, if only you reflect.

Imam Ali Ibn Abi Talib

Arabism Is A Hindrance And A Pretext For Stagnation!

Allah does not change a people’s condition unless they change what is in their hearts

Quran~

And this is what I was doing through the last two years. In retrospect, I think I was the most melancholic person on earth, but then I realized how oblivious I was! Through that process of evolution and getting out of my cocoon, I have learnt a lot about myself and my milieu. I had to sift my beliefs out from what they call “traditions”. Staying low-key for some time is a must especially if you are surrounded with showy, bigoted, and ultra people. I did my best to ameliorate many things around and there was no panacea for my life. Thanks for having a place to vent on as a nonentity’s story may inspire. At the end, an empty vessel clangs the loudest, so please move forwards with enthusiasm and determination and rewards will definitely come in your path!

Some Anecdotes About Women I Have Met Recently!

  

 No human being can be more human than another human being. I liberate you from my ignorance! 

     I am so grateful for having such a job which allows me to mingle with those wonderful women. Those women have been deprived of education and that air of independence and freedom I currently enjoy. These feelings did not happen overnight as I had to pay upfront and stand lonely during the last seven years. I have tribal roots, but I usually have that feeling of being rootless. Maybe it stems from being single so far. Girls who do not get married at age 25 considered leftovers and spinsters, but people show me respect and courtesy while I will be turning 30 after three months. I have discovered that we convey the message to others about the methodology of decently treating or mistreating us as WOMEN. We are the preys and the perpetrators.

     Where I live, women care much about gold, banquets, dowry, and trousseau! we have to buy such and such not to make others belittling us. we should buy twenty bed sheets, ten quilts, four kitchen gadgets, two kids’ rooms even before consummation, mats, spacious flats, etc even if you are insolvent since you have to do so!. Egyptians usually say ” الجواز ستر” which means marriage is a protection for women, but those are mere restraints.


   Marriage is a bundle of clemency, love, unwavering support, and equality. It is not an arena to wrestle with others or to show off while you are paraplegic and suffocated with debts and ignorance. Recently. I get used to witnessing such situations and gladly I have met Mona. Mona is a divorced woman and a mother of three-year old child. She can read and write but she is living on the dole for divorced women and it is pittance unfortunately! Mona and I had many conversations together as we are at the same age but with different priorities and standpoints. She has experienced bitterness as he ex-husband was thrusting her daily for months. Now, she is living with her parents and siblings serving them without any attention to her needs nor pain.

If I did not know Islam well, I would curse my religion! But Islam came down to eradicate the customs and traditions of Arabs. We were objectified as we were goods and chattels inherited to anyone. I think our bygone is insurmountable as those traditions defiantly and forcefully encase our religion and deliberately obliterate it! In Islam the most sinful things are taking orphans’ rights and wrongly smearing women’s reputations. I have also met Fatima with her broken fist as her father kept beating her until she gave him money. Should we bear any filial love towards our parents without receiving their paternal compassion in the first place?? Should I feel loony and offbeat as I do not think much of being married or having a child? I am not an ostrich inclining to bury myself under any circumstances. My relationship with human beings is neither trustworthy nor sustainable. I enjoy being woman from the upper with those tribal roots as they are gurus to stand up against such superfluous superficiality.

Life is lived only once. but experiences are perennial. We are mere portable memories and we voluntarily choose whether to discard or to carry all the way. We are blessed to be WOMEN as we are equals only walk side by side and go hand in hand. Thankfully, my goes have come in handy and I finally feel success and contentment.

That picture is taken from another fellow, so excuse me my friend 🌻