Things do not go well whether they are educational, professional, or personal issues. Living in a place where people starve and struggle to make ends meet due to the recent unprecedented plight of USD and the highest inflation rate we are dealing with. As most of you know that I got rejected from the scholarship to pursue my master’s degree with no despair or grudge as I will keep applying until I get admitted. Professionally, in Egypt work is not managed by efficiency but rather by nepotism and by being loyal to your managers and supervisors even if this means accepting their insolence and intrusion with pleasure! I am studying for six hours daily in order to leave this ranch and never deal with these beasts. These are not insults as they always behave violently with no mindfulness. Personally, after my father’s death, I still cannot turn off the lights before I go to sleep as I cannot forget seeing him dead and shrouded before his burial. It was the last time I saw him silent with no screams out of pain but with all the faith and being a monotheist, death is ambiguous and difficult to digest as long as I am still in a different realm.
My appearance has changed a lot! I put on weight and depression looks like my closest company who would not leave soon. Life is playing its abhorrent game of giving things then harshly snatching them. I want to retrieve the old Gehad; I mean the old appearance with the current mindset. I even think negatively about my value as a woman but human beings are the most valuable creatures on earth. I try to regain my spirits, ambition, enthusiasm, trust, and confidence. I have started to eat healthily and enjoy taking myself to the place where I would mingle with like-minded people and through that process I will snatch my self worth and water it as much as I can. I would befriend honesty, self-care, and authenticity. I would abandon hypocrites, filters even those in my camera!, and self doubt.
“A life without love is of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, eastern or western…divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire! The universe turns differently when fire loves water.” ― Shams Of Tabriz
Today is the second anniversary of my blog! Time flies! There is a huge difference between today and how I was in 2018, but I am sure that I will go up many rungs maybe until I reach the peak. I have some questions as an Arab woman from the upper of Egypt, with illiterate milieu, tribal roots, a thirty-year-old woman “SPINSTER”, self-made, simple, strong-headed, studious, ambitious, willing to knock down all the obstacles, still down to earth, still ethereal, and spiritual too as a monotheist first and a muslim who is enjoined to befriend all and respect everyone’s choice, the question is why are you following this blog? Do you enjoy what you read here? Will this blog blossom? Have your standpoints changed about Arabs even the bare minimum? Do you think I am equal to any educated woman on earth? Will objectification be stopped? Will I get where I want to be? Will I get a scholarship to pursue my study abroad? May I be a CEO someday?! Will I get married to someone who is willing voluntarily to serve love, support, equality, and respect at the table of that sacred tie? Will you accept me? Will I coexist peacefully with my flaws and afflictions? A lot of questions and they always lead to the same labyrinth!
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
As far as I can remember, I have always wanted everything from life, everything it can possibly give me. This desire separates me from people who are willing to settle for less. I cannot even comprehend how people’s desires can be small, ambitions narrow and limited, when the possibilities are endless
At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.
That woman exists everywhere in my life. You have noticed her picture on my notebook, on my laptop, she exists also on my cellphone background,etc! She inspires me to move forwards and never look behind my back.
Life transfixed her and thrusted me too. She was the odd one out as I am now! Her legs were crooked and I have my defects too.
She could paint and survive, while I am still struggling to get rid of those superficial veneers.
She let her story take wings, I solicit succour as my stamina can’t take it anymore!
Frida turned her misery into unbelievable paintings, I may build up my walled garden too but I have to pay upfront.
Ironically, I did and I will keep doing so as long as I feel my humanity without any objectification.
How rootless I feel, the more I read and learn from life and books.
I am still a toddler, but the difference between now and before is choosing being thrusted voluntarily not forcibly.
We are portable memories accumulated over the years and some unforgettable experiences.
Thanks coronavirus as it proves how inert we are. It has become a homewrecker suspending and cancelling everything around, but its implications would never be expunged as we better value disguised blessings now. Do not take anything for granted!
Thanks 2020 as it showered my life with bounty and prosperity alhamdulillah. Life is too short!
Your sickness is from you, but you do not perceive it and your remedy is within you, but you do not sense it.You presume you are a small entity but within you is enfolded the entire Universe.You are indeed the evident book, by whose alphabet’s the hidden becomes manifest. Therefore you have no need to look beyond yourself. What you seek is within you, if only you reflect.