In Ramdan; the month of fasting and worship I decided to take IELTS, Academic module. I had aimed at achieving 8/7.5, but my exhaustion, tiredness due to long hours,lack of concentration and time management I could not finish task 1 in writing within time. I could only write 70 words, so I got penalised as I had to write minimally 150 words. 7 was a dream five years ago and impossible to get for someone like me. My family is virtually illiterate believing that women are destined to marry and procreate, otherwise our lives would be uneventful whatever we succeed at. However, I feel I am a big failure! Thinking of how many years I spent in learning and preparing. The exertion I did and the seclusion I preferred in order to concentrate on and absorb another language.
Yes. I have become more positive stopped thinking of my past life and its regrets. Yes. I have become more magnanimous towards who/what is different believing that it is the creator’s will to create us in such a way and it is amusing to live among others as long as no one transgresses. Yes. I have become down to earth and stopped bragging about anything as they are ephemera and I only contribute to their existence without possessing them. I am indebted to everyone who has taught me intentionally or unintentionally, kindly or insolently, willingly or not. I would never be who I am without you. Yes. I would resemble my people in my periphery and their simplicity, but simplicity does not suit every phase we embark on especially that one of ambition and adventure. One step to retake IELTS, two months for GMAT, and time to let the story take wings and fly away. I deep down believe that I would be a student at a leading university soon and inspire others to get rid of shackles, mirage, and obsolete traditions.
I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretence, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.
Everything looks disappointing and overwhelming, but I incline to optimism and diligence as hard work pays off undoubtedly! Relics, nepotism, intermediaries, critiques, scrutiny, corruption, intrusion, perversion, gossips, plots, etc are transient and would never last or Hurt us!
Remember me in your prayers and du’a as I feel paralyzed. I need resourcefulness to move ahead with peace.
The point of this language of “intention” and “personal responsibility” is broad exoneration. Mistakes were made. Bodies were broken. People were enslaved. We meant well. We tried our best. “Good intention” is a hall pass through history, a sleeping pill that ensures the Dream.
George Floyd astounds me as I thought Khaled Saeed; the Egyptian George would never be seen in the greatest nation as it is only ours. Thrusting and Smacking human beings happen only to Arabs where order is woven in the tapestry of life. I know well that there is no paradise on earth, but at least your racism is not blind and somehow even-handed! Hopefully, your cries and revolution will not be attempted and light will be awaiting for you at the end of the tunnel to breathe freely. Life is in pairs, so every beginning has an end; sometimes it blossoms, and sometimes calamity is only a spur to evolve!