If you feel you are in the wrong place, desperate, anguished, unfulfilled, etc! so, this post is for you.
I spent 5 years after graduation jobless. I knocked all the doors after the revolution and it was all in vain. In September 2016, I realized how distressed I was and made up my mind to study English from scratch on my own as I hadn’t had any pound then. In 2018, I worked as a customer service representative in a call center. It was a dead-end job with pennies and unbearable work environment! My college colleague was a team leader there and we were not on good terms then, as a result I got fired because she alleged that I was cancelling calls intentionally. I have decided to resign before getting fired or penalised.
After two years, I have got a secured job in a public sector bank and still working there. Three months ago, I took IELTS, academic module with 7 overall.
Next month, I will be applying for a fully funded scholarship and one of the most prestigious and competitive scholarships globally. Being able to meet such criteria and apply is a great feat for someone like me from a family where most of them are illiterate, especially, women and chauvinism is prevalent. I am not genius or outstanding, but things have been doable because of exertion and dedication. Work hard and move ahead with perseverance as it DESERVES!
And say, my lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up when I was small
My father has passed away. He had leukemia and his condition was critical in the last month. I feel ambivalent about the end of his suffering from cancer and his disappearance. I would never forget the last month and his pain as he had lost much weight and become paralysed. Our relationship had been lukewarm, but during the last two months, I was doing my best to buoy him and lighten his worries. Filial instinct pops up in such situations eradicating all the differences in personalities and our interests.
Father; you will be missed and I have nothing towards you but love, peace, relief, contentment, compassion, and longing. I am indebted to you and will always be for the rest of my life. Without your presence in my life, providing me with money and safe house, I would never be able to evolve and be the one who I am today. I wish you overstayed to witness our happen days and success, but monotheists believe in the afterlife, so your body perished but your soul is amongst us. I love you Baba I love you so much habibi.
Since August, I have been struggling not to lose my dignity before my colleagues. I keep resilient without any complaints about the current situation. I got involved in a situation with a woman who is feeble-minded, boorish, and envious. However, she got support as my manager’s wife is her sister!! I have not known how detrimental such relations at work until I faced this nonsense. I have been moved to another branch because I have chosen action rather than inaction. Because I preferred dignity and my self-respect to kowtowing her and that micro manager! I promise you both that in the near future you will hear a lot about my success, but you would never glimpse me as such people leave the scummy bottom with no regrets!
Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.
48 laws of power
I am studying and planning to take IELTS test finally! In mock tests I get scores between 7.5-8/9 which is utterly startling and outstanding for someone who has learnt English from scratch and on my own as I was insolvent and unemployed. My life has become eventful full of enthusiasm and determination. My lord, I have the toolkit to climb up the ladder. Thankfully, I received your lessons early as they have been the psychological base not to prance around showing off your rewards and blessings. I am in the midway through this journey not insolvent and still unable to serve others. I am successful but not one of the big cheese to be influential. My lord I know you will grant me all what I am longing for. My lord I know that life never tarries with yesterday, so I have stopped thinking of my past as it was a guru. Wish me luck as I get support from you guys! 🌻
The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.
Currently, we are fasting in Ramadan and it is a great opportunity to walk in others’ shoes to pardon them or maybe to be able to mingle with them with no changes. Three months ago, we got the news of my uncle’s death and it was deep down devastating especially for my mother! his death has been problematic for me. There were no tears, I could not even vent out any emotions. It was another something bad happened through that apocalyptic time full of obituaries and calamities. He was found dead in the bathroom lying on the floor for hours! Deeply sad I know!! how he died lonely being left asking for succour or hopefully, he has lost his conscience then died peacefully! He is a married man and a father four grownups living in the same apartment, but he died on his own! For me, it was a riddle, an abhorrent one as we are not meant to be loners here or in the hereafter!
I am successful and ambition, but I go to my bed with my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. There was always that void that prompted me many times to accept what will devastate me in the near future emotionally and professionally! but the death of my uncle killed that apparition brutally! I could have married while the feeling of insecurity and unsafety would be lying next to me as being with the wrong person is suicidal and unbearable. My uncle was very sad before his death telling my mother about his wish to leave as far as possible since life was unbearable in his eyes. My uncle was the only one who had a tertiary education amongst eleven illiterate siblings including my mother. He got everything better than his siblings, but was never happy! I think he had that feeling of hatred and bile because his relationship with his wife and children. They incline to compare between their lives and others’, however we, human beings, prefer to hide our struggles and afflictions and share only luxurious and exquisite stuffs to convey the wrong message maybe or to revamp our self-image before some people. I do not want to die alone. I do not want to leave with bitterness. I do not want to marry to only reproduce and have that unwanted minder. I want that friend that I can bare my emotions before him speaking up with no fear of judgements. I want a fellow who is understanding that I have many flaws with no intentions to tackle them as they make up me (the real self).
My relationship with my father is not the best. Sometimes, I feel pathetic towards him when I count how many times do we hug each other? NEVER FATHER NEVER. You missed my warm hug and exchanged it with the lukewarm life and its conflicts to earn more money, buy apartments, work in brokerage, etc! Unfortunately, you do not have much time to redress this as a cancer patient. I give my father all the filial love that I could bear towards him as he never commit something disgraceful, vulgar, or forbidden towards us. He was only under misapprehension about the meaning of such a relationship! Maybe his relationship with his parents was the same and he thought their deeds were normal. I think we, Arabs, suffer from that emotional void and try to crystalize it in the form of harassment, watching pornography, domestic abuse, or maybe having hallucinations! I truly forgive my father to be able to love my children healthily. I know I will be a different mom, strict but still affectionate and liberal. Life is too short, please do not waste it in unravel superfluous issues ” LET BYGONES BE BYGONES”. Do not take your beloved ones’ existence for granted and please do not flog yourself! We can endure a lot of innocuous actions as they are neither intentional nor perennial. I am looking forward to tomorrow for my entourage, the sincere one to flatter me and wish me luck. I am looking forward to compensations, the cosmic ones as life exhausted me enough. I hope I tread the next path with a comrade instead of fear and unfathomable fits of anger!
GOODNIGHT AND STAY SAFE AWAY FROM COVID19! GOD BLESS.
Life is diverse. Living is to live with difference. Anyone telling you that difference should be stamped out is stamping out life. Those people insisting that there are black and white answers to the difficult questions are stamping out the diversity that is inherent in life.
I usually introduce myself as a monotheist and another fellow seeking knowledge and illumination until I pass away! Qur’an and its commentary always guide me not to go astray. I have learnt that chauvinism, bigotry, lineages are not mine as a Muslim but they are my ancestors’ notions and heritage! The first cosmic covenant between Allah my our forefather Adam was about worshipping, supplications, and befriending all as Allah’s vicegerent on earth, but we, offsprings, haven’t distilled its essence well as we couldn’t differentiate between what was tribal and what was truly Islamic. Religions are impeccable but religiosity isn’t as sometimes our minds mistakingly redress issues and sometimes in a lethal way! I can not forget having a stark conversation with a friend from different religion, milieu, and background telling me that what I am trying to go away from and circumvent all the time is what she is looking for! She doesn’t know her roots, her family’s history, specific religion to appease her, maybe a tribe like mine! Actually, I know that I will die and be buried on my own with no one else. I will be held accountable for my deeds, so I will not lift up a finger thinking of others’ viewpoints nor opinions!