The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.Big magic
Currently, we are fasting in Ramadan and it is a great opportunity to walk in others’ shoes to pardon them or maybe to be able to mingle with them with no changes. Three months ago, we got the news of my uncle’s death and it was deep down devastating especially for my mother! his death has been problematic for me. There were no tears, I could not even vent out any emotions. It was another something bad happened through that apocalyptic time full of obituaries and calamities. He was found dead in the bathroom lying on the floor for hours! Deeply sad I know!! how he died lonely being left asking for succour or hopefully, he has lost his conscience then died peacefully! He is a married man and a father four grownups living in the same apartment, but he died on his own! For me, it was a riddle, an abhorrent one as we are not meant to be loners here or in the hereafter!
I am successful and ambition, but I go to my bed with my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. There was always that void that prompted me many times to accept what will devastate me in the near future emotionally and professionally! but the death of my uncle killed that apparition brutally! I could have married while the feeling of insecurity and unsafety would be lying next to me as being with the wrong person is suicidal and unbearable. My uncle was very sad before his death telling my mother about his wish to leave as far as possible since life was unbearable in his eyes. My uncle was the only one who had a tertiary education amongst eleven illiterate siblings including my mother. He got everything better than his siblings, but was never happy! I think he had that feeling of hatred and bile because his relationship with his wife and children. They incline to compare between their lives and others’, however we, human beings, prefer to hide our struggles and afflictions and share only luxurious and exquisite stuffs to convey the wrong message maybe or to revamp our self-image before some people. I do not want to die alone. I do not want to leave with bitterness. I do not want to marry to only reproduce and have that unwanted minder. I want that friend that I can bare my emotions before him speaking up with no fear of judgements. I want a fellow who is understanding that I have many flaws with no intentions to tackle them as they make up me (the real self).
My relationship with my father is not the best. Sometimes, I feel pathetic towards him when I count how many times do we hug each other? NEVER FATHER NEVER. You missed my warm hug and exchanged it with the lukewarm life and its conflicts to earn more money, buy apartments, work in brokerage, etc! Unfortunately, you do not have much time to redress this as a cancer patient. I give my father all the filial love that I could bear towards him as he never commit something disgraceful, vulgar, or forbidden towards us. He was only under misapprehension about the meaning of such a relationship! Maybe his relationship with his parents was the same and he thought their deeds were normal. I think we, Arabs, suffer from that emotional void and try to crystalize it in the form of harassment, watching pornography, domestic abuse, or maybe having hallucinations! I truly forgive my father to be able to love my children healthily. I know I will be a different mom, strict but still affectionate and liberal. Life is too short, please do not waste it in unravel superfluous issues ” LET BYGONES BE BYGONES”. Do not take your beloved ones’ existence for granted and please do not flog yourself! We can endure a lot of innocuous actions as they are neither intentional nor perennial. I am looking forward to tomorrow for my entourage, the sincere one to flatter me and wish me luck. I am looking forward to compensations, the cosmic ones as life exhausted me enough. I hope I tread the next path with a comrade instead of fear and unfathomable fits of anger!
GOODNIGHT AND STAY SAFE AWAY FROM COVID19! GOD BLESS.